Having been in the Middle Kingdom now for over 6 weeks, my Chinese has improved tremendously.  However, a series of unfortunate events have highlighted a major gap in my vocabulary.  I don’t know how to express What the Fuck?! in Mandarin.

You would be amazed at the multitude of opportunities that Sarah and I have encountered that simply cry out for this eloquent response.  In chronological order: 

  • A freakish Tibetan sandstorm delays your flight by 31 hours.  The airport is devoid of helpful people, and you’re only informed about the delays until after the 8th hour - what the fuck?!
  • The queue to purchase train tickets during the madness of Chinese New Year is at least an hour’s wait.  30 minutes into it, people start blatantly cutting to the front of the line - what the fuck?!
  • 5 hours into a 25 hour train ride, someone ties a still alive-and-shitting chicken underneath your seat.  It absolutely reeks and when agitated likes pecking at your leg - what the fuck?!
  • On that same train, a man who looks like he hasn’t showered in a week decides to sleep with his greasy head resting on your shoulder - what the fuck?!
  • While you’re takng a nap on a table, and someone decides it’s a good idea to sit on the aforementioned table so that their ass crack is perfectly aligned with your nose - what the fuck?!
  • The train station sells over 40 standing-room-only tickets per train car for that wonderful 25 hour train ride - what the fuck?!
  • The grandmother sitting across from you repeatedly hulks up phlegm and spits them right at your feet - what the fuck?!
  • The local market is selling bloody, vein-covered muck that Sarah swears looks like fetus - what the fuck?!
  • You check in to a hotel room for all of 5 minutes, decide not to stay, and the owner demands that you pay for a 1/2 day - what the fuck?!

Thankfully, things have turned up for us, and we can laugh about these situations now.  I suppose its the perils of traveling that make up half of the adventure.